on wanting what you need

If I were to write a list of what I want and what I don't want (remind me to do so, again and again) I think it wouldn't be very conflicting at all.
I think what is most conflicting in me (right now)-insert the 12 rants in my head here-

 If I believe that what's in a head is real and that what's physical to us (what others prove our absolute?ness w/)
is in some part a manifestation of that; if I believe that we don't need to force ourselves to express ourselves it doesn't matter because what is true is what is shown.
I think now that it's a waste of time to not over express one's self when possesed of those emotions. But yet, no. . . I keep wanting to hold back because (rantrantrant) and it isn't usually until much later that for my own sake I wish I had those heavy physical words about me. If at all.
Although sometimes, that cold comfort of not having hid? Depends on what we're talking about
Sometimes I regret things I say or do. But more often the things that I try to write off or the things I hold back from, what frightens me so much that I do so? (Because so much bad happens, don't want to create something that will not go well, as planned? Can't stand to have things not go my way so I don't try at all? As for making plans? Dear Alice in a bottle!)
Do I think it will come around the right way on its own?
Do I think that all the stupid shit in my head will be filtered out and I'll only come out with good stuff?
Well, I'm not trying hard enough. Because it's always been good stuff (in here) but-
The woman in the mirror looks back at me and wonders how long you can say wait before the muse just leaves you to find old letters:(
Somethings within me, but I put it off and -
what does it take for me to go the way I want- am I willing to follow that like I need the taste of blood

Good question. Because there isn't much I feel like that over.
And this? Is in my very marrow.
I know that I get scared and numb-  I allow myself too much room to be bad & sad, mostly because I cannot escape the sad or the bad and it scares me to think I can trust things to be good- lord help us if I touch anything
 My goodness levels are really high. Why am I so low?
That's not a really good question.
Here's a better one. If I think I'm willing to put up with so much for others for them to get places in themselves- why do I not sacrifice more for the things that would really make me happy?
Do I know what will make me happy? Am I-
Another one of those places that overlap


(this is turning in to a rant about how