interrupted

you want
 I tell you
   how
    quietly

pre determination

shall i pretend
that I woke up
Venus of the Universe
newly and completely formed
I arise, stepping into shoes worn
my first feelings of something
warm, sturdy

frustration- what is this calamity?
yet, I am imperial
every possibility is at my fingertips
creation and destruction
my strong points

Amoeba

this world overwhelming, challenging
defined boundaries I discover
inside, free to decide
only the flesh like walls
help hide what
my interpretations will split open

shedding skin

where am I going, from here
where shall I go?
will myself, overcome
with wonder overtake me
anhilate or recreate me

Movement, in E minor

Nocturne in E


Somewhere there is a hand that brings me closer
to that place that defies understanding, hope, fears, words

The Voice In The Shadows Of My Heart

"I never remember anything" she said "What if I grow up and forget how to get back?"
"It's ok" He replied "I have a plan."

Assauge: To Lessen the Intensity (Of Something That Pains)

every time i walk into this city
i wonder if you are near
i wonder if you're wandering like i do
or if you have a destination
i walk down crowded streets
looking over my shoulder
hearing my name called
with every passing gust of wind
i stumble over the sidewalks
as i strain to see inside
all the seventh storey windows
then, i am standing on a corner curb
and i'm not too sure
what i'm doing there
i am pushed and jostled
as i stand there
still
i want to see if i can catch
your scent in the wind
and i do
it blows past me
quickly
and i am startled
i bump into irritated strangers
as i whip my head around
trying to find you
i hear your voice
clearly and softly
close to my ear, saying
what are you looking for?
and then it's gone
and the old man to my left is staring
at me strangely
and the smells of burnt oil
and a densely populated city
are all that are left
and i want to pull
at the first person i see
hold them tightly around the collar
and ask them if they've seen you
i want to run into the cafes
and ask the poets if they can tell me
who it is you sing to
i want to go to the corner bakery
and ask the girl behind the counter
if you have ever been there
and if so
who do you buy the morning's coffee for
i want to assail the postman
and demand to know if the letters that you send have an address
or are they sent
to the dead letter office
i want to climb high into the trees
and sit with the birds
and listen to them chat and gossip
and find out if anyone comes
to your
apartment at night
to throw rocks at your window
i wait until late in the night
and crawl close to the moon
and ask her where it is
you hide yourself
i want wander the endless
empty streets of this town
until i find the goddess of dreams
and ask her
to please stop
sending you to me
if you won't say hello

antagony

an·tag·o·niz·ing

slightest provocation
what words
hurling through
the air is still
heavy, heart

Shadow Play

Please don't make me tell
What the world already knows
So well
My heart belongs to you
My love, it grows

I cannot hold on to what is not there
I let go, but still your voice I hear
I back away, convinced I am wrong
Allowing this pretense to go on so long

Midnight's Shuffle

sometimes
the you in my head
asks me
how I want to be loved
and the me in my head
shifts form, then
does a little shimmy
shrugs my shoulders, says
"any way you want to"
masking my curiosity
trying not to make
too much of what I want
taking tiny steps
patterned after ocean tides

Hidden

Don't want to number distances,
hurts, joys, the unknown
things between us

Don't want to go in
a direction that isn't right
left in circles

Don't want to invite desires
I cannot reach
drawing closer to edge

Don't want to do anything
that reminds me, out of control
of you expanding me

Don't want to forget
pulling me up and open
now afraid to look or remember

Don't want to get lost
avoiding words, adrift, see
your light won't dim

Don't want to face
the emptiness I lost, you know
I touched your grace

Don't want to stay away
if you need me, near
but I tear the skies apart

Structure

It's safer inside
Where I don't have to
Watch my language
Worry about how
Someone else interprets
My coarse tongue
Points at you
Refusing to hide
Even if I do

No Comment

you will be safe, hidden among them
then one day, you look into
someone's eyes
see they do it too

If I Stop Running I Fear I May Die

There is nowhere to look back at, if you're pacing in circles.
I grow weary of the roundabout ways my heart travels to reach a place I may be dreaming up.

What is off this beaten path?

Risk and Chance

if my dreams were something I could share
I would not be watching the flames rising
around the edges of all I have built from emptiness
-this is the price I pay when my heart doesn't stop to look, to taste
go back again, die trying
when it silently divides from one into two

the divine is not mine to give
it is all around us, in between us
its face cannot be hid
i fear explaining the inexplicable
i cannot see what is
mine, yours
all I know is
this light
changes
every thing

Duality and the Fool

one, two
one two
there is little of me
and it's all for you

Fact or Fiction

My instinct throws up its hands
Refuses to spell it out
Grumbles over my foolishness

I go against it, nothing to prove
Except how little I know
How arrogant my assumptions

My love, I presume

One hundred replies
an infinite amount of ways to take it

I am overwhelmed
you burn up the silence

together we fall
instead of flying

Over the Edge

Which words does water use as it's falling?

the universal eye

I watch some time slowly dissolve my self
 find it does funny things to my brain, skin and

other things wash over me like sand and sea
my thoughts turn into sugar, pass through my body
like sweat, tears, and blood, love

there isn't bitterness, but like charcoal
 in your mouth, a darkness that cannot be described

memory negligently sheds its skin
 being present, I breathe slowly just going

arrive in this world, awaking every three seconds
always with that world in the blood of my veins
clinging, living, touching everything

Like A Deer In Headlights

but freedom of movement is no simple thing
there is no halfway

the distance between us is like a wrinkle in time

wind blown kisses

I reach for you and pull back
afraid of the way the air feels so vast and empty on my fingertips

Movement

In one hundred words or less
I try to explain
that feeling you give me
I just can't get away from
fizzing in my blood, stretching my skin
I am all eroticism and cold outer space
the wild, chaotic bloom of revolution
you are the earth, the air, the water, the howl
I walk up to the edge and stand still
You don't have time to wait, go on without me
I careen between bliss and confusion
Following the hard way, still
I cannot escape your voice
your fingerprints burned onto my thigh

two shadows look as one

winter is for skating in the dark, in the quiet
passing the thoughts and pictures, the memories
life of the mind reflecting
the ice and snowdrifts

there is no stillness, here
save the freeze
but even that gives and takes
a life of its own

loneliness is abolished, there
are no ghosts, no darkness that cannot be lit
fleeting
as the crack of dawn, faster than
breaking ice

solitude reigns over the communion
of naked trees and a solid sky
over beings made with water and air

no fear of birds crying in the night
lo, they only encourage
keep going

the message never spoken
only heard, is what
what makes us
all unite

on wanting what you need

Ten Days: Day Ten

Day Ten: 
One confession

Ten Days: Day Nine

Day Nine:
Two smileys that represent how you are feeling

Ten Days: Day Eight

Day Eight:
Three Turn Ons

Ten Days: Day Seven

Day Seven: 
Four Turn Offs

Ten Days: Day Six

Day Six: 
Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)

Ten Days: Day Five

Day Five: 
Six things you wish you’d never done.

Ten Days: Day Four

Day Four: 
Seven things that cross your mind a lot

Case of The Mistaken Heart

Ten Days: Day Three

Day Three: 
Eight ways to win your heart.

 

Please, use your inside voice

Have you ever woken up and realized that you had left your body and were in the middle of Time and Space?

That is how I always feel.

Ten Days: Day Two

Day Two: 
Nine things about yourself.

Ten Days: Day One

 I decided I need to take on a writing challenge, since I seem to have trouble finding words I want to post every day. I am feeling really all over the place and I am having trouble finding which direction I'd like to go. 
I have other journals, but I want to start again. I wanted a new, empty place. Not that I really let people in...
My original intention for this one was for it to act as a dead letter box; but it seems I may never feel safe enough to begin. But I must. 


Pick a place, any place. . .

1, 2, 3, GO!

Everyone is confused,
There is no path!
Just an immense, open plain.




I am teaching my children that they can put whatever they want into their dreams; that if the monsters come all one has to say is "BE GONE!" and it is so. That dreams and life are one and the same, and it's all about balancing their differences.
It isn't enough to say it, I must believe it.
Do it.

Don't Ask, Don't Tell

Don't give all your secrets to the wind
Don't whisper them to strangers
And those who won't be impacted

Give me your achy silence
Your hard pressed words
Your bitter memories
Breathe of your joys,
I promise not to touch
Unless you ask

Why Couldn't You Say

I'm in the dark
I would say I'm
Trying really, really trying
But, fact is
My blood is on fire
Can't get past
My heartbeat overtaking
My body, my mind seized


But don't worry,
These symptoms
Are only
Exacerbated by you

Entangle Me

 I'm still breathing
My heart's still running

Sincerely, The Management

My heart has always had a lot to say on the subject of you
Always been insatiably curious of you
My heart always wants to hold you

I would stifle it, strangle it, drown it if I could
That's the fear talking

But my heart insists, incoherent though it may sound (it's not)
You may have noticed

I could fill libraries with the words my heart shouts
But I censor them
Oh, how I fear the foolishness of my perceptions
Oh, how I must honor the holiness of my feelings
Oh, how many reasons why the moon hides

 I could stand your disinterest in my emotions, but
I couldn't stand to free them

I hold myself in contempt for holding my self back
But still I find myself begging to be kept silent

I've never felt so far away (it's so still here) and I was never close

No good to ask why I hadn't allowed it to carry on and wage war
Still, even now I don't want to fight
I just want to give in to my heart, to you

but


I would kill to prevent you from misunderstanding me

The Great Beyond

 What scares me about you is nothing.


I want to explore you.
I want to travel your galaxies
I want to see you, taste you
I want to sit in the barren wastelands until
I want to move, with(in) you
I want to hear your cries and silence
I want to magnify your joys
I want to reflect your courage
I want to beam when you stand tall
I want to walk with you through time and pain
I want to feel you
I want to touch you




What scares me about you, is me.

Dinner Conversation

I want to stop being afraid
I want to stop dreaming
I want to stop hoping
I want to stop holding back
I want to stop being confounded

I want to stop dying

Vice Versus

I give you space to breathe
You give me room to grow

But really we deprive ourselves

Our shouts and cries
Begging to be taken alive

Hold onto me.
But I won't touch you
For fear of. . .

Ass, or Of You and Me

Love looks me right in the face, says
"Yes, dear"
And waits for me to shut up
About myself, about pain and landmines and
The steps one takes from one end of this life to the other.



It shows me patience, shows my better self the way using my own
Idiocies as an example
Being kind enough not to rub it in my face when I don't recognize myself
In the darkness
It calls out to me, stretches me in silence.


Love agrees that it's hard. Wonders why we make it harder.
Waits for me to get it. Really, get it. I
Get it. Don't, don't forget it. 


Love wanting me
To bare my self, give a little more, ask a little less,
Stop calling it by the wrong names.

Nothing Does Something

This image of you I have created is flawed; has fluctuating mood swings, is vulnerable, hurt, wary, and sometimes a little mean.
 But those are just crumbling walls that I have built to keep from wandering into the depths that fear has painted with darkness.
I want to give you something to believe in, but your reality is remote from me and I don't know what I can offer you that would be of use.

I keep distances, out of respect and confusion; staying off your path. Still, finding your shadow passing over me in my quiet stillness.
My head plays at keeping us up in the clouds.
Stepping into the void with the nothing in mind, in order to give you space.

Bliss strays to the edges, brushing up against the cold grey fog and peering too closely at the eyes that look back.
I can't remember the right words to make it disappear.

I make sure the roots of my dreams are planted deep; I burn candles and let my self whisper fragments of stories that aren't ready to see the light.

Come closer, stay the night.
Show me how the day makes it back alive.

Making Things Complicated

I'm afraid that if one says "love the things you hate"
it might only follow that one would have to hate the things they loved.

inconsistant

you are your curiosity in those things, you are what you learn from those things
you are not those things

They Whisper In My Ear

Tell me, tell me, tell me

A Not So Quiet Love

I dreamt of you during the night. Over and over again, there you were. We talked, we loved, we moved,
closer and then further apart. Always coming together again.

I woke to thunder and the rain.
What a funny thing  is change.

butterfly lashes

in a glass box holds the fiery, fierce flames that propelled the life of a thing
once touched by the very finger that kisses a little death on the mouths of man

threads of time

And if I dared ask for one promise between me and you, it would be only
that you always meet me now and never later

Ebb & Flow

what if I reach out, will I scare you? - will it be what you wanted

when you reach out, I feel electrified. - will I be able to move?

oh how I want to know what you see and oh, tell me what you think

What scares me, about you, is the lack of fear that envelopes me. The utter openness and willingness to appear vulnerable or silly; to run up to the precipice and LEAP into the void.

Maybe I fear having to live up to how bold, brilliant and beautiful I feel under your gaze. And my flaws. . .
Don't think I don't know you get disgusted. How can I contain so much disgrace,
but yet I feel you see me with the (capacity?) for (perfection?)

(Do I fear living up to this? Do I fear seeing something and having the ability to try to make it so?
Will I be confined to what I see, do I have the poet's license? oh but the cold hard truth...
  burns in my blood like a taste of pure oxygen - and i know nothing but this very moment.)
Although, truth be told I don't exactly feel bold or brilliant; exceptional or beautiful.


In relation to you I turn into a singular source of light and energy. Burning and nourishing, yin and yang...
suddenly I am not just aware of the multitudes which I live with but blazing with life; I am the very thing that gives physical substance to the sun.
Doing away with my own shadow. Suddenly I am powerful, a driving force in the universe.

Maybe that's what I'm scared of. Not the multitudes, but how much brighter everything gets when I'm near you.
Like the light the dying see.


I pull back - who's in control
(123letgo letgo)

Try This

I don't call you, even though I have things to say
It's just the same old, same old each day

wondering in the wandering fog

If you found yourself to be tricked with a copy of something you held dear, and after having shunned and turned from the thing you found yourself face to face with the real one
would you be tired and walk away or would you want your love to know all that occurred while they weren't there?

Once Upon A Time

I'm ready to shed my skin again.
To let go of things I have no need for, and step into life like clean and shiny new soles.
I want you to come with me.

but then

maybe I'm afraid that if I put it into words, if I place them somewhere in the physical world, that I will essentially be mocking my dreams,
drawing up proof for something I don't understand

turn

There are so many here. Some together, some alone; some connect.
The unknown, the lost, the seeking, the ever-hopeful.
Simple words bloom and die, then bloom again somewhere else. We might find the right ones in bits and pieces, everywhere. Only to take them apart, try to put them together again.

What changes, what remains?
What doth thou look for? What doth thou think thee may find?
What have you to say?

The Heat In Your Words

Let me look at you however I want.
Does it scare you, the unknown
reflecting from my eyes?
Let me hold you, make your blood run.
Let me whisper in your ears, let me listen
to your heart beat and your mind race.

You don't have to love me, just keep me close

Don't Dream This

I want you to fill my mouth with your desires, your ideas and

with my tongue I shall give it all back, and then some

it always starts small

I want to talk it out, rolling in clouds and clouds of words; some above my head and some sinking, disappearing. Others sticking, catching inside me; rearranging the molecules and worlds that I am a part of.
Save your ink for my skin.

a little more to the left

I don't know what you want and I don't know what I'm doing, but all you have to say is "stop" and I'll go.

Blinded by the Light

Just when I thought I saw, I plunged, into darkness
it's hard to believe in what you can't see past your peripheral vision
walk carefully, forward, nothing is known

calling out to the darkness

Please don't question your existence in relation to me.

They say you can't feel pain in dreams. That's not true. I can see, I can feel, I can taste.
When I pinch myself, it hurts but I don't feel reassured.

But when your skin is between my teeth and I nip and pull, I see your reaction; that look in your eyes, that moment, I know that isn't my imagination. You are real.

and so

what do I run from, avoid like the holy dickens
how can I see all lights green and stop in the middle of the street
between me and heaven, we've conspired to shut my mouth, waiting
for me to stop turning away, instead looking steadfastly on
when will I break through, when will I run with it

comment

I read this post by wroteitforme and found I had a lot to say in return. Apparently my comment was too long to fit. So, I'm putting it here.

annihilated by the light

nothing to fear

Cannot Hold Back the Ocean

Love itself is immortal. It consumes us, tumbling us over and over again. Polishing our sharp edges with time and patience.
It refines us, defines us. Molds us in its image until we ourselves become pure, love.

Reasons of a Mind

I stopped myself from writing, creating with paper, thousands of times. I felt foolish, an imposter wasting my words' time with useless outpouring of my interpretations.
Words, which I condemned with a million other words; words whose purpose, whose meaning I wanted to control; words that filled me, carried me so far along and brought me to these heights that words couldn't reach.

I follow, sometimes feeling blinded. I feel distracted from my intentions by the immediate, pressing ideas that collide, fighting to be heard in a word.

bluffs

How far will you dare to go?
Will you run?

The Middle Ground

There is something between us
Something that holds us, that keeps us
There is a thing that binds
And lets us find
Us

There is something between us
Something that hides us, that blinds us
There is a thing that craves
And demands space and privacy
Building walls out of the unknown

The Rose-colored Glasses

there are billions of steps between me and you,

you know, there are worlds crossing in between us

you pretend not to look at the measures I take

(I pretend not to look at my feet, don't look down)

you stand, looking straight forward

do you only see your own destination or

or is life sticking out like a sore thumb

jostling you as you wait for the bus

I contain a perfect universe.

There are no flaws but the making of my own skin.

I am empty

I get fulfilled. I am nothing.

I find everything.

I am filthy. Define redemption.

I am all. And there is nothing.

I play tricks. My mind lays down its logic.

It gives me all, and leaves me nothing.

per

Wait. Wait, until no one is really looking, wait until no one cares to hear.

Wait until all your useless words turn circles around you and useless has a whole other meaning to you.

Wait until you've been here and back. Again and again and again.

Wait until you've given it back, empty and CLEAN; so many times the void begins to echo.

Let the nothing bleed its smothering life,

All along the shouting banks teeming with the certainty of a nameless Life

There is no ego that its eye won't anhilate

We are one, and I and you...

Over and over

It glares, no mercy

And my delicate lair

Protecting the world, which has made me the universe

At polar opposite, tearing me

Head to foot, I am blind

(grace) a line that winds through

Us there is no, is no (me)

Weight, save that

We bear upon our own shame

Full of self we look at each other

Searching for proof but only how we like it

And

Staring, pushing, screaming

Back

Can you tell which is the world and which is you

A bridge forms

Attaining perfect balance, looking into which chasm

Will (will)

Take you where

You want to go

the density of a molecule

I think it's not so funny you shout the loudest when you're going over the water fall

My heart, flooded with
You; I find it rains
Even in the barren desert

Drown me in your silence

Take the words from my mouth. They are yours, anyhow. They never did me any good, anyway.

They fill me, they clog up my head and my heart. They choke me when I desperately need to breathe. They are never there when I need them the most; they never follow what I mean. They fall out of my mouth, haphazardly; pretentious and full of hot air.
All these words float around, defining life and love; and I don't understand. What good does it do me to purge myself of them when we both know that I will never be free of them?
What use is it to let them spill out of me like so much blood?

To what end, to what grave heights shall I follow them; only to be carried away, over the edge. Torn apart by the very things that I thought might save me.

Take these words from my mouth, those words that dam my heart, that hide behind my eyes. Take them, transform them into something beautiful, meaningful.
Use them like I let you use me- wantonly, willingly, heartlessly, and belying a carefulness that shines a light into the blackest depths.

Take my words and let them open up what we both have closed off inside ourselves long before we knew what to name things.

Gravitational Pull

It was always just pieces. I'm not trying to recreate an old picture; only, always seeing with new eyes a whole universe.

What Will Guide You?

If I was brave I'd take myself into the desert for several days; not to find myself, but to let go, listen and reconnect.

Come Again

I saw you leaning against yourself as though it was the most solid pillar in the world.

Looking Back At The Darkness

Nothing to see here.

The North Star Is Love's Guiding Light

I am headed right for you
Though I don't know where you are

Don't stop walking, don't change direction

I am on my way
Lost, lost, always lost

Don't stop walking, don't change direction

I hear your heart
It is my compass, my guardian

Don't stop walking, don't change direction

Cruel laughter, bitter hearts
So many things set out to distract us

Don't stop walking, don't change direction

There is not much anyone can say
To make me love you any other way

Pocket Poems and Other Dreams

"I won't be there, you know."

Silence. There was a long pause before the slowly replied answer.

"Yes, you will be. Everywhere I go, there you are. Your heart is always watching me. From the shadows I will see you; every time I turn too fast, you will be in my peripheral vision. Everything I do is tinted with you."

Waking Minds

"I can't see" I said
"Close your eyes" You whispered, "Open your heart"

"I can't understand" I wondered
"Quiet your mind" You soothed, "Listen to the wind"

"I can't hear" I screamed
"Be still" You touched me, "Get blown away"

"It hurts" I cried
"That's how you know it's working"

My heart is in a halfway house

In the middle
You want me to meet you
And I so much want to

But may I remind you
That we are already in the midst of this
Where is the middle but our two hearts?

Useless Words

Keep your eyes open, mouth shut,
Head up
Let your heart do the talking

Unknown Territory

We are dancing over the great divide
That immense distance
Which separates you and I

We are playing games with space and reality
We are taking Time which does not belong to us
Creating a world within a world

And it is not we who shall conform
No longer shall we mold ourselves in their images
We are taking what is ours and forget the rest