Ten Days: Day Two

Day Two: 
Nine things about yourself.

Ten Days: Day One

 I decided I need to take on a writing challenge, since I seem to have trouble finding words I want to post every day. I am feeling really all over the place and I am having trouble finding which direction I'd like to go. 
I have other journals, but I want to start again. I wanted a new, empty place. Not that I really let people in...
My original intention for this one was for it to act as a dead letter box; but it seems I may never feel safe enough to begin. But I must. 


Pick a place, any place. . .

1, 2, 3, GO!

Everyone is confused,
There is no path!
Just an immense, open plain.




I am teaching my children that they can put whatever they want into their dreams; that if the monsters come all one has to say is "BE GONE!" and it is so. That dreams and life are one and the same, and it's all about balancing their differences.
It isn't enough to say it, I must believe it.
Do it.

Don't Ask, Don't Tell

Don't give all your secrets to the wind
Don't whisper them to strangers
And those who won't be impacted

Give me your achy silence
Your hard pressed words
Your bitter memories
Breathe of your joys,
I promise not to touch
Unless you ask

Why Couldn't You Say

I'm in the dark
I would say I'm
Trying really, really trying
But, fact is
My blood is on fire
Can't get past
My heartbeat overtaking
My body, my mind seized


But don't worry,
These symptoms
Are only
Exacerbated by you

Entangle Me

 I'm still breathing
My heart's still running

Sincerely, The Management

My heart has always had a lot to say on the subject of you
Always been insatiably curious of you
My heart always wants to hold you

I would stifle it, strangle it, drown it if I could
That's the fear talking

But my heart insists, incoherent though it may sound (it's not)
You may have noticed

I could fill libraries with the words my heart shouts
But I censor them
Oh, how I fear the foolishness of my perceptions
Oh, how I must honor the holiness of my feelings
Oh, how many reasons why the moon hides

 I could stand your disinterest in my emotions, but
I couldn't stand to free them

I hold myself in contempt for holding my self back
But still I find myself begging to be kept silent

I've never felt so far away (it's so still here) and I was never close

No good to ask why I hadn't allowed it to carry on and wage war
Still, even now I don't want to fight
I just want to give in to my heart, to you

but


I would kill to prevent you from misunderstanding me

The Great Beyond

 What scares me about you is nothing.


I want to explore you.
I want to travel your galaxies
I want to see you, taste you
I want to sit in the barren wastelands until
I want to move, with(in) you
I want to hear your cries and silence
I want to magnify your joys
I want to reflect your courage
I want to beam when you stand tall
I want to walk with you through time and pain
I want to feel you
I want to touch you




What scares me about you, is me.

Dinner Conversation

I want to stop being afraid
I want to stop dreaming
I want to stop hoping
I want to stop holding back
I want to stop being confounded

I want to stop dying

Vice Versus

I give you space to breathe
You give me room to grow

But really we deprive ourselves

Our shouts and cries
Begging to be taken alive

Hold onto me.
But I won't touch you
For fear of. . .

Ass, or Of You and Me

Love looks me right in the face, says
"Yes, dear"
And waits for me to shut up
About myself, about pain and landmines and
The steps one takes from one end of this life to the other.



It shows me patience, shows my better self the way using my own
Idiocies as an example
Being kind enough not to rub it in my face when I don't recognize myself
In the darkness
It calls out to me, stretches me in silence.


Love agrees that it's hard. Wonders why we make it harder.
Waits for me to get it. Really, get it. I
Get it. Don't, don't forget it. 


Love wanting me
To bare my self, give a little more, ask a little less,
Stop calling it by the wrong names.

Nothing Does Something

This image of you I have created is flawed; has fluctuating mood swings, is vulnerable, hurt, wary, and sometimes a little mean.
 But those are just crumbling walls that I have built to keep from wandering into the depths that fear has painted with darkness.
I want to give you something to believe in, but your reality is remote from me and I don't know what I can offer you that would be of use.

I keep distances, out of respect and confusion; staying off your path. Still, finding your shadow passing over me in my quiet stillness.
My head plays at keeping us up in the clouds.
Stepping into the void with the nothing in mind, in order to give you space.

Bliss strays to the edges, brushing up against the cold grey fog and peering too closely at the eyes that look back.
I can't remember the right words to make it disappear.

I make sure the roots of my dreams are planted deep; I burn candles and let my self whisper fragments of stories that aren't ready to see the light.

Come closer, stay the night.
Show me how the day makes it back alive.

Making Things Complicated

I'm afraid that if one says "love the things you hate"
it might only follow that one would have to hate the things they loved.

inconsistant

you are your curiosity in those things, you are what you learn from those things
you are not those things

They Whisper In My Ear

Tell me, tell me, tell me

A Not So Quiet Love

I dreamt of you during the night. Over and over again, there you were. We talked, we loved, we moved,
closer and then further apart. Always coming together again.

I woke to thunder and the rain.
What a funny thing  is change.

butterfly lashes

in a glass box holds the fiery, fierce flames that propelled the life of a thing
once touched by the very finger that kisses a little death on the mouths of man

threads of time

And if I dared ask for one promise between me and you, it would be only
that you always meet me now and never later

Ebb & Flow

what if I reach out, will I scare you? - will it be what you wanted

when you reach out, I feel electrified. - will I be able to move?

oh how I want to know what you see and oh, tell me what you think

What scares me, about you, is the lack of fear that envelopes me. The utter openness and willingness to appear vulnerable or silly; to run up to the precipice and LEAP into the void.

Maybe I fear having to live up to how bold, brilliant and beautiful I feel under your gaze. And my flaws. . .
Don't think I don't know you get disgusted. How can I contain so much disgrace,
but yet I feel you see me with the (capacity?) for (perfection?)

(Do I fear living up to this? Do I fear seeing something and having the ability to try to make it so?
Will I be confined to what I see, do I have the poet's license? oh but the cold hard truth...
  burns in my blood like a taste of pure oxygen - and i know nothing but this very moment.)
Although, truth be told I don't exactly feel bold or brilliant; exceptional or beautiful.


In relation to you I turn into a singular source of light and energy. Burning and nourishing, yin and yang...
suddenly I am not just aware of the multitudes which I live with but blazing with life; I am the very thing that gives physical substance to the sun.
Doing away with my own shadow. Suddenly I am powerful, a driving force in the universe.

Maybe that's what I'm scared of. Not the multitudes, but how much brighter everything gets when I'm near you.
Like the light the dying see.


I pull back - who's in control
(123letgo letgo)

Try This

I don't call you, even though I have things to say
It's just the same old, same old each day

wondering in the wandering fog

If you found yourself to be tricked with a copy of something you held dear, and after having shunned and turned from the thing you found yourself face to face with the real one
would you be tired and walk away or would you want your love to know all that occurred while they weren't there?

Once Upon A Time

I'm ready to shed my skin again.
To let go of things I have no need for, and step into life like clean and shiny new soles.
I want you to come with me.

but then

maybe I'm afraid that if I put it into words, if I place them somewhere in the physical world, that I will essentially be mocking my dreams,
drawing up proof for something I don't understand