I rush to the door, ready to spill the world at your feet
I rush back again, this is not some new, beautiful, wild land
I don't know what I'm offering

i don't know what I'm asking
or what I've been expecting that I keep arriving
here, again

it's the smell of my own adrenaline, I suppose
the rush of my own blood
as my imagination skirts the places I hesitate to go

every time you look my way it's like the world is magic
and everything is happening for the first time

I hope you find the one you want

(Can I be  I want to be the one you need)

This is the time of passing

anew, from back to forth

we turn steadily, yet so delicately

Take hold! these minute details that make up your world

know them by heart and listen carefully to the secrets they yield

they are precious and will take you further than you could think

And if you reach the land of light and ice with any love left in your heart

Let it grow, my darlings, let it grow

the ferocity with which I need you
is a thing to be hidden away

I feel as if gravity is rolling around in my soul

          Pushing me around
      
          Here is the light and the dark weighing me down

          I want to turn into something as light as nothing

          Still, it won't let up


          I should be grateful,

          As long as my head is above water, I can breathe

         Yet, I don't know how to put it into words, I just want to be

         Set free

         But, here I am, heavy and defying the dreams I'm made of


       

 you, aren't you the one always told me
only rely on myself

well, what if I wanna let go of me but not you?

"I used to think I was interesting"

I think I'm not understood, I don't always explain myself, not sure if I could
and if everything between is empty, and all this is a trick of the eye

what is it I see
how to overcome all this
me, what do I want

what can I leave and what do I need

Colors are blended
Until all definition
Ceases, leaving me

Blind, I crawl forward
I think so I do not know
Zen is too near death

My body desires the chaos
That my soul longs to shed
Keep me together

I had a dream, built on places I had grown in

when I tried to write it
it was shuffled away, out of my control
now I'm afraid to write it a second time

When I let myself love you wholly, I find it's that much easier to love everyone else

It's not that I can't

It's just that I've been trying so very hard not to

And now,
I don't know any more

Farewell, Vanity Fair

Alas,

I am the bigger fool
through my own pride
and with fear
I bled myself
where it could not reach the ground

But, pray you, leave me not
for it is yet a tear

Where Is This Coming From?

There are things I can't forget

But, there is even more I can't remember

Away From Here

first it was a lot of silence
then I may have felt a little anger
at myself, displaced
and directed at the world
passively, as I could get no further than
face to face
before everything has already fallen away
selfishly, how ever I keep closing my eyes

where to go
every step towards what I want seems to be a step backwards
if I follow the flow, I can
hop, skip and jump
over
but, I've
gotten lodged long before this poem began

You can hear the tightness in the howl of the wind
And now that I'm sitting alone again, I can begin to remember
Why I keep myself under wraps
Why I keep moving without thinking

Just as long as that noise fades
If I can just stop thinking about it

The universe is a vast place, after all.
And I'm so small minded.

But, I can be big about it.

Nothing is Everything

I think I see you there
And it seems so clear
You see me


Though, most times
I can be seen, right through

If you're really looking

Would you love me still
If I didn't rip out my heart and set it on display
Would you want to stay
If I left all the words inside and came out anyway?

If I kept back the words, that I hold you so, dear
would it be enough to look inside your heart and feel me near?

I cannot tell you anything, today, that doesn't take a certain amount of destruction
an energy I don't have to spend, just now

Yet, take care dear
hold on to the sound of my laughter
brought on to me from your lips
carried by the wind, nearly lost in the sound
Oh, hear the earth sigh

A damned if you do, damned if you don't insistence

I want you to come closer still

I don't want to run and there may be nothing left to hide
Draw the lines, but keep me on your side

unspoken

It's not you or me
but, Love, here
I recognize it because it calls out to me
Love knows who we are

and where we go
when we think the sun ain't shining

Our hearts wrap tightly around each other
In the night, with miles to go and all the world between us
They sing lullabies made from the casualties of war, songs with words we have long since forgotten

Centuries passing through our fingers, time undulates between our toes
We stretch and pull and wonder at how elastic the heart, how dense we really are
Reaching out, expecting to pass right through this incongruent existence

But here, you are, again
Called by your secret name, you wake in this world
Startled to find you are not as alone as you supposed

You, help me break into my heart;
I have misplaced the key

I tried to tell you write, but all the words got in the way.

"Who are you?"
The only correct answer is for you to show me your face, look me in the eyes.

Don't worry about courage; love will not fail you.
It does what you need, not what I want.
I suppose; I wonder; I wing it.
We swear we don't believe in fate. But, it has its own ideas.

You are there; I am not. But, I'm here when you need me.
We can skip the words until they're ready to spill on their own. Until then, just touch me.

Night Terrors

A voice whispers
"I love you"
the sound nearly lost
in a tangled halo of my hair

My heart, suspended
hangs for a long moment
before slamming me down
headlong into the dark

Suddenly I am miles away
Years slip from my life
the way rain slides down glass

I am struggling, struggling
to breathe
to see

I hear your voice
I feel the weight of you
holding me tight
pressing closer to my skin

But you aren't here
These aren't your words
This isn't our night, our bed

And suddenly I'm screaming
Hot, bitter tears choke the life
out of my heart

No words escape me
Not a sound breaks the silence
I swallow the darkness, at once

These are the seeds that are planted
To crack open the hidden, bring it
To life, expand to make room for more

my love spreads itself around thick
full and warm, aching and reaching
to touch, to soothe and to give itself
openly, freely

without abandon, my love
grows wildly, choking out
the weeds of doubt
breaking up the ground beneath my self
cracking the cement with seeds of hope

And just before I wake, you pull away and say
"I thought I could hold you"

but, everything

The heart is a puzzle
made up of many
 different pieces

"My chest contracts and expands until I feel I will burst or be torn in two. I feel I am being swept away by something, over which I have no control. Back and forth, back and forth like the tides."


"I believe they call that symptom of life, breathing."

Hold my heart as I shall hold my tongue

firmly between the teeth



oh, so close to the skin

waves of love

I want
to be
inside you
so quietly
and yet
never cease
moving, moving

I swallowed the ocean
it weighs heavy in my depths
it turns and rolls within me
all movements now fluid and untameable

my heart beat weighs heavily in my hands
its dreams keeping me awake
even as it slips away 
like a dancer tiptoeing on shadows
only feeling the music

anew

moving forward, reaching out to touch
suddenly caught in the fog, the veil tears
and waking I wonder what I see
left with this
still enough to be in awe of a light that won't fade
I stretch, there is no breaking point

there isn't enough gravity within me to keep me sinking
though all the weight of the world reside within my soul

vibration

And some days, nothing
fills my heart, oh so
so bursting, I would swear
it sings, wordlessly

words melt around me
infinite melody blooms within
a dance, a parry to understanding
opening my heavy eye

open me up, I want to give in to you
stretch me, make my mind and nerves sweat and burn
fill me with the weight of your being

please, do

you can go anywhere
anywhere you please
you can always be that present
always here, now
give everything, your love

here, there

because the heart must allow room for ease

I want to taste you
I want to feel you so close to me I can't tell if it's your skin or mine

Please Stand Back

My heart is white hot and ready to explode

What do you have to say that's so big that you say nothing?

This has been a public service announcement.

midst

it can only be given

I insist that I persist
what of this blind and ignorant bliss
raw and gnawing at the bit

I'm exhausted but the cracking of my surface won't cease
I talk to the skies in search of peace

sometimes when I feel closest to you
that's when all the distance that is really between us starts welling up

and if I don't name things, if I don't seek to define its exact form, will it be as something other?
will I change it with my ignorance?

No you

Make me think
Make me wonder
Make me ponder!

Make me  run
Make me yell
Make me speechless!

Make me smarter
Make me wiser
Make me see!

Make me want
Make me desire
Make me passionate!

Make me, make me, make me!

Dear, dearest

Come back to bed, if only for a little while
Let's fight away those things pulling you up, up away from me
Sink back into this quiet, no one here but you and me
Just for a moment, hold me close and don't hold back

10 Lovely Ideas Before I Sleep

Shades of blue and purple and grey on a cold day
Plaid flannel
Light
Someone talking to you when you're in a rush
Birds that sing
That stretchy feeling when you first get into bed
Warm jackets
Learning something new and interesting
Sitting on the arm of the sofa
Jumping

what do you say

 Because you do not go away from these places inside me that I cannot see, I can feel you in ways that take up all the space, yet fit in this tiny spot on the inside of my rib. I hear you, but I cannot grasp it.
If this is nothing, I want it all.
What I have to show you can't only be felt when I grasp you in my arms.
Indeed, I can't prove to you it's real at all.

I can't remove your
smell from underneath my skin

again

If we die for love
how will you ever show me?

you want the proof
and I don't want to smile through distortion

nothing seems that possible
but still you are here, breathing in my ear

and I keep choosing to wake up
right now

I want to give back
what do you think we need?

my eyes don't see, my mind doesn't know, but oh, what my heart hears

If you knew what I knew you wouldn't have to find space to fit despair, for it would consume you.
If I knew what you knew, would I have found that space inside God that didn't require my blood sacrifice?

We have paid the price. Of doubt, of failures.

Every cut you make tears another hole in me.

I don't believe in redemption, but I do believe in change.

open vessel

god isn't allowed to want
unlike me, so dependent on needs

some people don't like water,  some are in the middle of the ocean

the only thing i really knew were the possibilities as they were presented to me, the moment i opened my eyes and reached out for you
i know i want to feel you and keep feeling you

i heard a person would go mad if they knew what god knew
i heard that we'd go mad if we looked at god directly
only one of those things is true

now? now is my what then.
and I don't know. I'm still trying not to panic.

off the face of the earth

fall, fall for it

and when the poles do shift, don't twist
jump

I'm terrible with these years, but these are the three that will liberate me from my fears

Blue Lunar Eagle
Red Eastern Castle of Turning
Earth family- Polar      Clan- Sky I polarize in order to create
Stabilizing mind
I seal the output of vision
With the lunar tone of challenge
I am guided by the power of accomplishment


Kin 15
Harmonic 4: Electric Output express intelligence of service






White Overtone WorldBridger
Green Central Castle of Enchantment
Earth family- Cardinal      Clan- Blood I empower in order to equalize
Commanding opportunity
I seal the store of death
With the overtone tone of radiance
I am guided by the power of timelessness


Kin 226
Harmonic 57: Resonant Store Remember elegance of attunement






White Solar Dog
Green Central Castle of Enchantment
Earth family- Polar      Clan- Truth I pulse in order to love
Realizing loyalty
I seal the process of heart
With the solar tone of intention
I am guided by the power of death

Kin 230
Harmonic 58: Spectral Process Formulate free will of liberation

my mind watches in helpless horror, feeling sickly
as my heart lurches forward, wildly and without caution

meh

You know that time of year...
that one day after Winter has finally come to stay...
after the snow has come and gone, and come again
when the sun has been coming out as always but so,
so cold as to freezes around your very breath

You know that time of year when it's certain there are
still weeks of these frosty days, ahead?
When your skin swears it feels the overcast grey of the sky, and it
pricks at the sound of birds beginning to settle into song
calling out in wonder, never quite questioning the next move.
This particular moment when your bones shiver and say
"The Earth has cracked open, the flowers are coming out to play"
this is what we're always waiting for. This is why we struggle,
this is why we stay.

For You

I am my perception
my thought and movement and
point of reaction
I am more than what I am feeling
I am all that I do or don't do and then some

I am everything there is and that is nothing less than light.
In the end the brightness becomes so heavy it pulls me down (like gravity) and the darkness always pushes itself back into dawn.


xo

maladroit

understanding swells and deflates
independent of perception
immediate awareness
a drop as pure as time
 without man's limits

like this

because you looked
I may never see it the same
as I did before

because you touched me
I may never feel the same
as I did before

A Gentle Violence

We fear more than just criticism.
We fear indifference; we fear the
obligatory words offered.
We fear being pulled into
a freely given smile, only to
wake up in its cold emptiness.

We don't fear the physical abuse
of a friend or a lover as much as
we fear the incalculable hurt of
finding one's self woven into the
uncaring flesh of another heart.

Here, here, and here

we keep from one another, times when our insides tighten
our shells begin to crack, something is changing, again
growing wildly, inside we know we can bare everything
though no one really ever asks for it all at once
mind your manners, don't stare, don't take up time
given, we all imagine the world at our fingertips, if only
we could be so bold, so brave to give that of ourselves
and more, always more. don't be afraid, see there's more
to this darkness, this tearing of the sky, we can cave
in the monsters, now all together
while dancing on, above the flowers, singing like mad
oh, of this breath-taking life

sincerely

so i say nothing
instead, learning
not to run the
opposite direction
of my heart

if my disposition
will ease your intuition
I will follow the best
of my intentions

Border Lands

I like the idea of being able to touch you
through time and over distances
I pretend to understand but
the landscape is always changing
a slice of pure blue across my heart
the only thing that remains the same

some thing in the way

I want to tell you things, I do
yet, right now
the only thing I know how to do
is point, this and this, here
these are what separate our atoms
this is what holds me together

where angels fear to tread

I feel I am intruding, but my heart is drawn in. "Closer, closer now."

words for god

Maybe there is something freeing in believing
nothing's there, nothing matters
Knowing this is truth

Still my heart twists and cries

and if we never looked each other in the eyes when we spoke, would we know the truth when we heard it

Let me ask you something.
If it's true, I once hurt your heart
and you went after revenge...

Am I dead yet? Has the carcass
satisfied you?
Most likely not; though
I'm afraid you've had your fill and I
am but one of a pack.

You Please

blow me apart
I come together
any which way

Swept Away By The Storm

the thunder has been rattling my bones today
since before I could hear it
I could feel the vibration, the sheer tension
swelling up in me

how long can this build before it breaks

I long for you the way a hummingbird longs for its own heartbeat





Longing is a word I spit out at night, lying under the weight of my own voice echoing in my head

Carving Space from the Stones of Time

there should be a place for you and I
 walls built high enough to keep everyone else out
secret pass through, words meant for us alone
we could drift out of dreams
speaking only about what matters
drawing each other out

Will Not Self Destruct

If there were a place away from prying eyes
somewhere for only you and I
we could just start any way
just say every thing


Would you be alone?
Would I fill it with empty words?

lost and found

The heart does not play tricks on anyone, but it is susceptible to tricks being played upon it. Especially the more open the heart is to finding what it is looking for, because of its willingness to enter into the unknown.
-unknown

But, that's just it
my dear, my darling
 You don't have to do anything
with my love at all
Take it or leave it
 Occasionally pull it
out of your back pocket

Wonder
 or not

The Grey Areas

All I ever wanted was the chance to reach out, touch you,
feed the wild, roaring flames of your flesh,
soothe the places your imagination can't run from.

Chances are, it's what I need, too.

Doubt

Let me show you more
Let me set your soles
Alight this broad path

Let me give you space
Time and closeness, this must be
Wide-eyed, open and grasping
Let us touch the static around us

With great pomp and in strange
Circumstance, we will open
The floodgates
For what meaning shall sound

Let me stand beside you
Face to face with the joy, the pain
Let no one ever forget
The importance of little things

Breathe words into this life
Sing your heart to me

The Hours In Which Words Are Unwelcome

My hunger waits

until the darkest parts of the night

sneaking up, lurking by my door

I stare at the glass

Wondering what is a true reflection

And what my mind distorts

I reach out, pushing

until the breaking point

I insist on disbelief

Things cannot be rearranged

To my will; I watch

Hold back until too late

Do you need to touch to understand

What do you need to prove

Have you built everything

in order to command

your will, the universe

Is yours...

I had it all and lost myself

in your atoms

It's true that there is an ache in my cunt for you

But the worst of it is in the flesh around my heart

It's in my hands that long to touch you and do for you

It's in my feet that long to carry me to you

There is a tenderness that stays with me
long after you have gone

Akin to pain, but a fragile joy

That fiercely clings to my insides

The whole of my being imprinted

There are days I know I could fly if
I just take a running leap

Windows Of My Soul

Skin lies, my love

Arms, they lie too

hands, skin, tongues, kisses... all liars

But, eyes

The eyes never lie

hold me down
I think I'm going to disappear

awakening

I think I have been dreaming of you
again
I prefer to believe
this is not what has been keeping me up
nights are quiet, I don't feel the need
to explain, or understand or plan
what is happening is larger than me
alone, this is absolute impossibility
we will never be alone, but
god, this loneliness
just restless ambition
masked desire
need, to protect

I want to reach out and touch you
I must realize I've been dreaming
The stitches rip as I open my eyes

It is so easy to lose the words
for what I see, I hear, I long to tell
yet so easy
to spot that look in someone's eyes
they roll slightly back as the reality
fumbles, lost in the chaos
between here and there, where
every day things demand
attention, what did you say? 

And Then?

I want to be cruel, lover, I will push you
Until you go away, you shall have no desire
For me, my love I want to hide
Unburden yourself of the discord, confusion
Do not stay, where my heart still sinks
Beneath the weight of you, the world echoes
What I have to say, you must come too close
To hear, you shall certainly get burnt

Tango

I retreat
as you advance the distance
between us is measured
precise

rhythm
oh my blood calls to you
grab me, pull me close
pushing
the limits of this nameless
tension

increasing the fury of
these tangled steps we take

the hum of my heart is a lullaby from you, my dear
do you hear it strumming, feel my love so clear

The Mockingbird

You know
I don't need to tell you
You just like to hear it
Everyone needs to hear it
Often
You would like me to spell it out
Bring life to my hidden thoughts
I know you
Hold back

There are things I don't know
Things you refuse to share
For my safety, for my happiness
So I retain some modicum of faith
It's better that some things are
Left unsaid
I cannot cry, though drowning
Is imminent, death knows
All the prettiest things are only in the mind

These castles I've been dreaming
Only appear when I whisper in your ear

still I don't dare echo the shouts of my heart

"the clock has been stuck at three for days and days"

there's a lot of words in my head
and a frozen pizza in the freezer
but i don't feel like eating them
alone, it's so late why can't i
wake up, stay happy

A Part From Me

there is a space
just between my blood and bone
infinity resides
there is no peace
no solitude
only the tide
pulling back, rush
close to me again

I talk too much, my heart demands I take care with my words.
I weave, wildly between saying nothing and keeping silent
I take care to swallow only the most important words
I've seen what happens when they besiege me
every one I mean, but none the way I meant

What am I willing to give of myself

dreams are meant to help us
carry our best wishes into solid being
hand over hand, I circled, you behind me
what you said, I thought, I heard,
all through the nothing
desires are what make us wake up
look at ourselves and scream
keep going don't stop, don't look back,
what do you know, in order to know
do you have to go down

Movement

We are not always
Tandem
I sometimes see you rising
On my way down
I compose these poems
Inside my heart, all the words
Directed to you
There's nothing that can stop it
I look away and fall

Honestly

Thanks to the very sweet, .sweet pea. for honoring me with this very lovely award!

I happily accept!

Attachments to the award:

1. You must brag about the award.
2. You must include the name of the blogger who bestowed the award on you and link back to the blogger.
3. You must choose a minimum of seven (7) blogs that you find brilliant in content or design.
4. Show their names and links and leave a comment informing them that they were prized with Honest Weblog.
5. List at least ten (10) honest things about yourself.

Then pass it on with the instructions!

The Things We Never Say

"I want to keep away your hurt"
she said, then
"I am going to kiss you with words."

simple words
is a play on words
as words are not simple
enough

Whale of Time

this one's for your dreams, one for mine
here is for what we want, and best wishes
for what we redefine

in the way

in my weakness I want you to love me
but it is my brave heart that knows
I'll never be the one for you

don't spare my feelings
I am always here for you
unconditionally

You may find it in the pauses, the search for the right word
the way a voice slows and catches when the brain connects the pain to the hollow phrase

And When I Believe

The universe breathes
a sigh of relief
I feel a calming wind
sweep through, my heart
silenced, brought upwards
Regaining balance
I return to myself with confusion

Power Chord

Gently it spits it out, it is full
charged, it goes!
Only, now waiting
to be plugged in again;
after all it's only a machine